I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
