apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize