I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
