Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
