my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
