Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
pop tarts are not kleenex
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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