maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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