Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
