I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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