my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize