clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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