Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
