Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize