If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
