My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
