i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
