Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize