Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
