we're chasing vodka with high fives
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
