If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Cover your peen. We're going out.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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