Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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