I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
