dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize