UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
