On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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