my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
