I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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