Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
