he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
