If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
