I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
