I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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