I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
