Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
