I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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