I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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