I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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