u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So much rum. So many feels.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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