Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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