she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
