you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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