I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
