I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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