I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
