You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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