He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It's Friday. Sex?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
