Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
