haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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