if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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