Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
