If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
