I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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