I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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