Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
