I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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