I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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