Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
