You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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