my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
