Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
