In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize