and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
